THE BUREAU OF WHITE AFFAIRS-author unknown.
United Native Americans (UNA)Are proud to announce that it has bought the state of California from The Whites and is throwing it open to Indian settlement. UNA bought California from three winos, found wandering in San Francisco. UNA determined that these three winos were the spokesman for the white people of California. These winos promptly signed the treaty, which was written in Lakota, and sold California for three cases of wine, one bottle of gin, and four cases of beer. Lehman L. Brightman, Commissioner of White Affairs, has announced the following new policies; The Indians have generously agreed to give all Whites living in California four large reservations on which they are to make their new homes
Each reservation will consist of 20 acres and will be located in the following places: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats, The Badlands of South Dakota, and the Yukon territory in Alaska. These reservations shall belong to the whites, "...for as long as the sun shines or the grass grows." (or until the Indians want them back.) All land on the reservations will be held in trust for the Whites by The Bureau of White Affairs, and any White who wants to use his land in any way, must secure permission from Commissioner Brightman.
Forced marches and evacuations of Whites are to begin immediately so as to open these lands to Indian settlement as quickly as possible. When Whites arrive at the reservations they will be of course, allowed to sell trades and handicrafts at stands by the roadsides. Each White will be provided annually, with one thin blanket, one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of Spam and a copy of the book, "The Life of Crazy Horse." Commissioner Brightman invites all, politically well connected Indian people, to apply for the positions of Reservation agents. If you have less than one year of education, do not speak English, have an authoritarian personality, proof of dishonesty, and a certificate of incompetence, consider yourself well qualified for the position. Paternalistic attitudes and delusions of grandeur a plus. No Whites need apply.
Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of four boarding schools, to which all White youngsters will be sent at the age of six (6). "We want to take those kids far away from the backward culture of their parents," he said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz Island, the Florida Everglades, Point Barrow, Alaska, and Hong Kong. All students arriving at the schools will be stripped of their clothing and forced to wear Indian garb. They will be forced to grow their hair long and in time wear it in braids. Upon arrival, at the schools all White children, will be given IQ tests to determine their understanding of Indian language, culture and survival skills.
All those white children that do not measure up to Indian standards will be considered mentally compromised and shunted into courses appropriate to students destined to live lives engaged in menial hard labor. All courses will be taught in Lakota and any child caught speaking English will have their mouth washed out with soap, be whipped, and/or be locked in solitary confinement and denied food for a period of days. Hospitals will be established for the reservations as follows: Whites at Death Valley Reservation may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital; those at the Yukon Reservations may go to the Miami Beach Hospital; those at the Utah Salt Flats Reservations may go to the Juneau, Alaska Hospital; and those at the Badlands Reservation may receive medical care at the Honolulu, Hawaii, hospital.
All hospitals will be staffed by one medical student, a chiropractor, and two crabby army nurses. All hospitals will be supplied with one case of aspirin, a box of Epsom salts, and one box of Band-Aids, a pair of pliers, one set of vice grips, and an Exacto knife and a liberal supply of suppositories. Dental care will consist of extraction's only. All whites in need of vision correction will be given a pamphlet on how to squint. All former White churches will be converted to amusement parks for the entertainment of Indians. Interesting statuary and religious artifacts will be purloined by Indian people and sold as curios and collectibles for display in Indian museums and in private collections. To honor the memory of the former White inhabitants, streets, towns, and geographical locations will be given quaint White names.
Also at Indian sporting events, mascots depicting white people dressed in period clothing will be trotted out at half-time. These mascots will be made up to resemble cultural icons of the White race as interpreted by Indian experts. A few such examples will be Clem Kadidlehopper, Gomer Pyle, Elmer Fudd, Barney Fife, Yosemite Sam, and the Three Stooges. In this way Indian children will be educated of how White people looked and acted. Any Whites that protest this honor will be regarded as cranks and spoilsports. Indian academics will immediately begin excavations of White cemeteries. Bones and artifacts will be removed and studied.
Special attention will be paid to the skulls of White people. These skulls will be measured and scrutinized so that Indian people can determine just what is wrong with white people. After these studies have been completed, the remains will be sent to Pine Ridge, South Dakota. The remains will be stored in cardboard boxes in the basement of The Red Cloud Indian School where they will collect dust and be forgotten. White people whose ancestors wind up in boxes at The Red Cloud School and wish to have the remains sent to them for re-burial will have to fill out 742 different forms, in triplicate, do 28 push ups, and 76 jumping jacks, all the while balancing a bowl of wild rice on their heads. If all these requirements are met successfully, and satisfy the subjective judgments of uninterested Indian bureaucrats, the remains will be promptly returned in 2.4 generations, more-or-less.
This version of a twist on American history, was taken from the Leonard Peltier newsletter, "In the Spirit of Crazy Horse."